June 18, 2013
The Great Sacrifice
Today is my 56th Birthday. A lot has happened that has changed my life since my last Birthday. Several of those things make me wonder if I will celebrate any more Birthdays. I always knew I would die someday. We all have to die to leave this world to enter Paradise. We are born to die.
In August of 2011 my life as I knew it began to change due to some unexplainable episodes. While we researched for the cause of these episodes, we were confused about what was taking place. Dr. Viola, a Neurologist, stated that it sounded like some type of seizure activity, which in my mind I quickly denied. After undergoing testing for several months, a small lesion was discovered on the right temporal lobe of my brain. After meeting with a Neurosurgeon it was recommended I have surgery to remove the grape size tumor in February of 2012. The good news was it was fairly easy to remove. The bad news was the biopsy confirmed it to be a grade 4 glioblastoma – the most aggressive and incurable form of brain cancer. From the moment Dr. Pumala told me of my diagnosis standing by the side of my hospital bed, my entire life changed. I always expected to die someday, but not within the next year or two. I was under the influence of a lot of medication and those first few nights were rather sleepless with a lot of time to think. I took great comfort in saying the Rosary – the Blessed Mother brought me much peace. One of the Mysteries of the Rosary that really struck me as I prayed was The Agony in the Garden. I thought about Jesus in the Garden when He said, “Father if it is possible let this cup pass from me but if it is not possible, not my will but thy will be done.” Over the next several nights I wondered over and over why this was happening to me. Then I began to think that this possibly could be my vocation in life and I had an opportunity here that I was overlooking. This was to be a true test of my Faith. It is easy to SAY you have Faith, but much more difficult to LIVE that Faith. I had to believe that God had a plan for me in all of this. As the father of four boys, I felt a responsibility to show them how to truly live Faith in the most difficult of situations. I was never really angry with God, I did question “why” but I wasn’t angry. I thought that perhaps my whole purpose for my life was to show my sons what true Faith really is. I did think about the option of being angry, but I did not want to spend the remainder of my days being angry at God. I decided to make the best of my circumstances with prayer and meditation. Everyone on Earth has to die this just happens to be the way God chose for me. Throughout the course of time, I have had much time to think and pray. One of the most important things I have come to realize is that Jesus did not have to die. He was human and He was given free will as we all are. I always knew that God sent His Son to Earth to become human and to die for our sins. What I did not fully comprehend until recently is that on the night of the Last Supper in the Garden of Gethsemane when Jesus was praying and suffering, He made the conscious decision to go through the passion and to die a very cruel death on the cross in forgiveness for ALL of the sins of humanity. This would open the gates of Heaven, allowing all of us the chance to be with God FOREVER. This was, and is, the greatest of all Sacrifices. Jesus had told the disciples that the greatest sacrifice anyone could make was “to lay down one’s life for his friends.” So you see – this disease has opened my mind and helped me to understand the true meaning of the Greatest Gift given to all of us.
I have had the opportunity to live a wonderful, full, and blessed life. God has been good to me! But now I am growing weary. I have been struggling with this disease for well over a year now. I have lost vision in my left eye, my left side of my body has become weaker, I am easily confused, more dependent on others - I am tired! I now look forward to the time when Jesus will reach out his hand to me and say, “Welcome home my son!”
Due to the progression of Jim’s disease and his inability to type he dictated this entry for me to add to his blog for him. We do so appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers as Jim enters this stage of his Journey.
Margaret
