Faith and Healing

            Throughout this entire journey that started last August 27^th, I have had people talk to me about miracles happening, God’s healing power, the power of prayer, and having faith in God’s healing power.

            I will never forget the day that the neurosurgeon came into my room in ICU at the hospital to tell us about the biopsy results. He had already told my family members the day of the surgery that he did not like what he had found, but had advised them not to tell me until we had positive results back from the labs. Also, they wanted to keep me calm as long as possible while I recovered from the brain surgery. They did not know at that time if I would have any negative results from the operation, which I did not, other than an itchy scalp at times! That in itself is a miracle! Dr. Puumala came into my room in ICU and explained to me what they had found. He told me I had a Grade 4 Glioblastoma in my brain. He told me it was an old cancer that usually affected males around my age, there was no cure, and that it was an aggressive cancer. Being the smart aleck I am, I asked him if there was a Grade 5, and he said no, this is as aggressive as it gets.

I said, “At least I got the best!”

I remember my son Tom saying, “Go big, or go home!”

We all laughed a bit - probably a nervous laughter, but I remember laughing. Dr. told us if we did not do any further treatment, I probably had 6 months to live. One year was the average, and some go as long as 22 months.  I remember shedding a few tears, but then, almost immediately, I felt a sense of calm and peace from within. I attributed that to God’s grace and His Mother, Mary, helping to take care of me. Those days and nights in the hospital after that, I had a rosary in my hands almost constantly. If I could not sleep, I said a rosary, if no one was in the room with me, I said a rosary. I had such a sense of peace that it is hard to describe it to people. I lay there in bed and thought that this entire illness and prognosis is truly a gift from God, and a part of his larger plan for me. I have blogged about that in the past.

I thought of Jesus and His passion, and thought that I can suffer through this for Him if He suffered through that for all of us. I had a lot of comfort in those thoughts, and still do today. I have been doing pretty well, even though I continue to grow a tumor here and there. I accept that as the way this will all go until it ends my life. I just completed 10 more radiation treatments, and I am feeling pretty good. I start some new chemo on August 2^nd – we will see how that goes! - kind of nervous about that.

I believe all things really do happen to us as a part of God’s plan for us – we are just too busy to pay attention at times. Margaret and I try to attend a Mass somewhere in town every day, as our schedules allow it. Did you know there are about 45 opportunities for a daily Mass somewhere in Sioux Falls each week? Yesterday, I had just gone out to my garage to meet the crew from Rescue 10 who had stopped over to visit with me. My cell phone rang, and it was Father Joe Vogel. He asked if I knew there was a Mass of Healing to be held that evening at St. Katherine Drexel at 6:30. He said there would be Anointing of the Sick offered as well as an opportunity to pray with others after the Mass, and he wanted us to attend if it worked for us. As God’s plan worked out, we had not attended Mass yet that day, and I told Father we would plan to be there. (It is nice being retired and having that flexibility)

As we entered the church that night, Father Joe came up to me and told me I should pray with Father John Rasmussen after Mass. We went through the Mass, I received the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick, and the Mass came to an end. There was then an opportunity to go to confession, to pray with prayer couples, or to pray with Father Rasmussen. I whispered to Margaret that I wanted to pray with Father John, and she stayed in the pew praying.  I waited as Father John prayed with about 6 people in front of me. You would sit on a chair facing him, and he would hold your hands and visit with you, then pray over you. When my turn came to visit with Father John, I told him my name and that I had GBM in the right side of my brain. He said, “I have heard about you, and I have wanted to meet with you to pray with you!”

I was somewhat surprised about that, but our visit went on. I told Father that I had been praying for some sort of healing, but realizing that there are different types of healing – physical, spiritual, and emotional healing. I had a lot of inner peace, but I really did not expect a miracle to occur in which I am completely physically healed.  Father John said, “Why not! Jesus can do anything – why do you think He won’t heal you!”

I responded that I wanted to take the stance that God’s will be done, and I did not want to ask for something that probably would not happen. Well to make a short story long, or vice versa, Father laid his hands on my head and prayed for the healing power of Jesus to physically heal me. It was a very grace-filled and calming sensation that I felt. Father asked me to pray frequently today and to thank Jesus for healing me. I am doing that.

At Mass this morning, I was thinking about healing and faith, which leads me to the purpose of this blog. In scripture, over and over, Jesus tells people that they are healed because of their belief – “your faith has healed you” – “nowhere in Galilee have I seen faith like this, your daughter lives” – the woman who touched the tassel of His cloak, was healed and Jesus told her that her faith had healed her.

Maybe I do not have strong enough faith to believe that Jesus can really heal my illness! I am going to pray more about that and work on that faith. I will accept God’s plan for me with a loving heart, but I am going to pray for that healing and pray for a stronger faith. Let the tumors fall where they may!

Make it a great day, and have some faith in Jesus!

July 20, 2012

Yesterday was our 32^nd wedding anniversary. Those thirty two years have gone by quite quickly. I thought I would jot down a few notes about memories over those years.

·        I met Margaret at a street dance in Humboldt – introduced by Doug and Peggy Fischer

·        Beautiful bride in her wedding gown at St. Mary’s Church

·        Built our first house in Humboldt

·        Uncle Francis helping on that house and me jokingly telling him we would have babies until there was a babies face in each of the eight window panes on the west side of that house

·        Matt’s birth on July 4^th, 1981 – I thought he might have something wrong with him because of his red face and he was sticking his tongue out a lot (new dad, I guess)

·        Matt and Mark running down the jogged hallway in that house in Humboldt in their feet pajamas

·        Mark pulling Tom’s baptismal cake off the counter onto the floor

·        Tommy riding with me on my briefcase in the front seat of the pickup as we rode out to do job estimates – now I ride out with him, but he doesn’t let me sit on his briefcase

·        Johnny’s birth – we got to stay in one room for the whole process

·        I got to stay home with Johnny for several weeks after Margaret’s maternity leave was used up until Christmas break came around – we bonded

·        Lots of T-ball games, softball games, Y-basketball games, soccer games, and football games.

·        Camping in the fifth wheel

·        Family vacation to a cabin on Lake Five – A Cabin in the Black Hills – Family picnics

·        Baptisms, Confirmations, and even a son’s wedding in there

·        Grandchildren

·        Margaret got her baby granddaughter at last – a little girl in this family!

·        New Job as a Fire Fighter

·        Three new houses in 32 years

·        Lots of Love

·        Lots of God’s Blessings

·        Wouldn’t change a thing

·        Thanks to the kids for all your love

·        Thanks to Margaret for all of her love and support

·        Thanks to God for letting me meet and marry Margaret

July 13, 2012

Margaret and I got up early today to take a bike ride on the bike trails. We left home around 6:20, and the day was beautiful. The air is a bit cooler early in the day, the birds are singing, and the air has just a touch of “crisp” in it. As we rode east towards the river, the sun was poking through some clouds just right to allow it’s rays to shine down on the world in the shape of a cross. I told Margaret that I usually imagine those visible rays as God’s grace shining down on the world. She said to me, “There is your touched by God moment for today.”

 I told her,” The first one anyway.”

 We had a great bike ride, got to Mass at Saint Michael, and then I got in a radiation treatment. It is a nice day, but pretty dry around here. We will continue to prayer for much needed rain.

 I am feeling pretty good, and I know that God is with me on this journey. I heard a great song on Lite 96.5 today on the way back from radiation. “Blessings” by Laura Story. I have it downloaded from ITunes and on the IPod already. I will visit with my Blog expert, my daughter-in-law, Sara, to see if we can get it on the music for the Blog. I have to see if she can get music back on the Blog on my computer this weekend. I liked the music, but it quit on me a few weeks back. Some people tell me it still works for them, but I do not get any music on my computer.

 Have a good weekend, and watch for those sun beams shooting down through the clouds!

July 11, 2012

We started a series of ten radiation treatments this afternoon. These treatments take about the same amount of time as the previous treatments, so not too big of a deal yet. I got a cool new “hockey goalie” mask with blue striping on it. I had told the ladies when they formed the mask to my face that I wanted royal blue to match O’Gorman’s school colors. They only have white, but one of the gals painted some blue stripes on the mask for me. I will have to see if I can get an O’Gorman Knight logo for my new set-up.

After the radiation, I see Dr. Tolentino on August 2^nd for a follow up appointment to discuss our treatment plan, some blood work, and a treatment of a chemo called avastin. I get to do all the fun stuff.

Margaret and I had a nice bike ride this morning. She challenged some geese along the bike trail, but they only hissed at her. We rode about 7 ½ miles today. We try to get 10 miles in, but time had us limited today. It was a beautiful cool morning to ride. I sat on the back patio to read some scripture this morning after the bike ride, and a male red cardinal landed on the chair 20 feet from where I sat. He popped up into tree and sang to me for a while. He was once again my little sign that God knows I am here and what I am going through.

We all need to pray for some rain. Get out there and look for God in nature and in your fellow man. You probably won’t see any sort of vision or apparition, but God is everywhere if you look for him. He had a hand in all of the beautiful flowers we have, the wonderful trees, and the blue skies. He could have made everything black and white with some gray, but He knew you and I would like to see the colors He made for us. Enjoy the day, and thank God for every day that you have.

July 9, 2012

          This is the meditation for today from the Magnificat. I thought it was nicely done:

Touching Christ in Our Suffering

          Suffering without Christ is hell pure and simple. With Christ it is the sign and secret of heaven… Since misfortune draws us close to God, and since few people wish for misfortune in order to be brought closer to God, sometimes God has to wish it for them.  When I acknowledge the value of suffering because I see it, I render homage to the truth, but merely by an exercise that is almost forced upon my intelligence. When I recognize the value of suffering without seeing it, then it is to God himself that I offer my homage, the generous tribute of faith… Why suffer? – asks the unbeliever or the man of little faith. How suffer well? – is the believer’s question.  While the former beats about the bush and divides his forces, the latter picks up the weight. Full of confidence, he musters and applies all his strength, breathing deeply of the breath of victory…Nothing is more depressing than the prospect of my weakness when looked upon by itself. But my heart united to God is a thrilling thought; then I see in my frailty the reverse side of his omnipotence…Suffering is a diminution of life – present life. But when accepted and loved, it is an increase of life – eternal life.

Father Antonni Gilbert Sertillanges, O.P.

Father Sertillanges (+1948) was a renowned Dominican preacher, apologist, and philosopher.

          Whenever I get feeling sorry for myself, it just takes some good reading or a good scripture passage to make me realize that this is all a part of God’s plan for me on my journey. He knows how and when it ends, so I do not need to know that for now.  That is the hardest part of this for me – when the journey ends – I still think I need that little bit of control. It doesn’t bother me so much that the end draws nearer, but I think I need to know when. God will teach my human weakness in time.

          The Holy Spirit has showed up several times today and over the weekend in the form of the red cardinals. What a beautiful bird with a beautiful song, and what beautiful thoughts and peace those cardinals bring to me. Have a great and Blessed day!

July 6th

Today we met with Dr. Tolentino to go over the MRI results. I have a small 5 mm lesion just outside the area of the first tumor and deeper in the brain closer to the brain stem. The good news is that it is a very small tumor, the bad news is that it is a tumor. The chemo treatment will be changed once I get a bit more radiation to spot treat that little tumor. My chemo now sounds like it will be infusion instead of oral meds.

Margaret did not take the news well. I told her the good news is that it is a small growth, and we have to remember, this is an aggressive brain cancer that will grow – there is no cure for it, only treatment. This is all in God’s plan, we just have to hang on and ride along.

I am now bumped out of the Mayo study, as any tumor growth takes you out of the study. I may have been on the placebo anyway, as the tumor did grow while on the chemo. The good news there is I can take Nexium again for acid reflux. At least I can be comfortable while we switch things around.
I am at peace with this – I trust in God. This is what I kind of expected when they told me what I have. It will be a roller coaster ride for my remaining time on earth. Right now, I feel good, and things are going well. We have to enjoy each day, and take them one at a time. I still have a few projects in me, and we have plenty of time to get at them for now.

We rode for ten miles on our bikes this morning, and the cardinals were singing all the way. Life is good, so enjoy it. Remember, this is not a dress rehearsal, it is the real thing! Get out there and enjoy it, thanking God or each day! God Bless!

July 5th

I had an MRI of my brain test done today. I have had mixed feelings about this test. Part of me wants to know how things are going in there, and part of me doesn’t want to know. I guess God’s will be done, I will find out tomorrow at Dr. Tolentino’s office. I have experienced a feeling of something “tickling” inside my right ear for the past few weeks. I assumed it may have something to do with the radiation treatments, and it may have to do with the tumor growth. Just a little strange tickle that I can’t explain.

The test itself went fairly smoothly for being put inside a rather tight tube with ear plugs and little ear pillows over your ears, given a small bulb to push if you want out of the machine, and then slid into the tight fitting tube with a lot of loud noise for about a 30 minute test. No pain, just takes a little mental strength and a lot of prayers to ride it out.

I have been feeling fairly good, but my eating has dropped off – not a bad thing given my weight gain on the steroids. I am down about 12 pounds now, and need to drop another 12 or so to get back to where I was before all of this started. Nothing tastes real good, and I have no desire for sweets any longer. Sweets do not taste right to me – they even leave a bad after-taste in my mouth at times. My stomach is rather churned up each morning after I take my handful of vitamins, pills, and seizure meds. I guess I am adjusting to it – I hope there are no pills in heaven, as I am tired of them in this life.

This morning as I was reading today’s scriptures, it started to rain really hard. There were few clouds, and it had rained a small amount earlier, but this was a nice little downpour. I was rather amazed, as the weather guys did not think we would get any rain, and the clouds did not look like we would get rain. We really need rain, so any we get is a blessing. I was reading about how God gave manna to the Israelites in the desert when they were hungry. They had been complaining that God could not provide for them a banquet table of food in the desert. Low and behold, bread rained down from heaven. I thought of that as I watched it rain while I prayed. God can do anything He wants at any time and often when we least expect it. All things are possible with God – we just have to keep reminding ourselves of that. God gives us what we need when we need it if it is a part of His plan for our lives. The problem is often that we want to control our lives, and we do not – God does. It sometimes takes a little something to remind us about that – maybe a little cloud burst, a meal of bread in the desert, or an unplanned illness.

Have faith in God, for He has a plan for each of us. Margaret and I saw a red cardinal on the tree branch this morning too! God is good!

Fourth of July

Independence Day, 2012! I am thankful today for all of the men and women of this great country who have given their lives in service to all the rest of us to allow us to celebrate the many freedoms that we have. I have the “Band of Brothers” on as I type these words. Those young men are getting ready to jump out of a plane over France to begin the invasion on D-Day. Can you imagine what went through their minds? Many of those young men gave the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. Take some time today to offer a prayer of thanks to God for the freedoms we have in this country. Also take time to thank any military personnel or veterans you know.

We many times misunderstand what freedom means. Some think it means we can do whatever we want whenever we want. Freedom comes with a price and a responsibility. Your very freedom to do what you want does not give you the freedom to infringe on another person’s life or rights. Those who would say they have a right to abort an unborn child are taking away the freedom of that new unborn child to be able to be born and become a part of this world. Ironic, isn’t it? 

This week we had one of my favorite Scripture stories about “Doubting Thomas”. The apostles were all gathered together, except for Thomas. Jesus appeared to them and spoke with them. They were all excited about seeing the Savior Resurrected, and excitedly were telling Thomas about their meeting with Jesus. Thomas, much like many of us would, said, “I will believe when I can touch the nail marks on his hands and place my hand in the wound in his side.” Jesus appears a few days later to the group, and Thomas is with them this time. Do you suppose Thomas was a bit red in the face? Jesus steps up to Thomas and invites him to touch his nail marks and place his hand in his side.

Then Jesus asks Thomas if he now believes because he has seen. Jesus also says that those of us who believe without seeing are blessed. That gives you and I some hope, doesn’t it! We believe based on faith, and we are blessed.

It still amazes me to talk with some people who say they do not believe in God. We all believe that Abraham Lincoln once lived, but no one alive has seen Abraham Lincoln. We read what is written about him, and therefore we believe he lived. How can we read the Bible, written two thousand years ago, and not believe that Jesus Christ once lived and was the Son of God? I am perplexed by the lack of faith of some people. I pray that they will learn and believe before the day when they get to meet their creator.

          I have been a bit lax in writing on this Blog, and I apologize for that. I was on vacation for a week, felt poorly for a few weeks, and have been busy with stuff. I will try to be more faithful in writing. Tomorrow I have the first MRI of my brain since last February. I am somewhat anxious about what we will find, but it is all in the hands of God. His will and not my will be done.

          I have seen the cardinals quite a bit, and I hear them every day. God is out there waiting for us to find Him. Make it a great Independence Day 2012!